Priority
Seating:
A Brief Overview of the Crippled Kung
Fu Film.
© Sam
McAbee
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When
you look closely at the distinct film
universe of kung fu movies, you probably
notice many themes and complex, connected
story lines and structures, be it through
recurring characters, like Wong Fei Hong,
or varying martial arts styles such as
Mantis Fists, Mad Monkey kung fu, or Tiger
Crane. There's the inevitable training
sequence, which is certainly a common
thread that runs throughout kung fu film.
And who could forget the frequently used
theme of "you killed my teacher, I kill
you!" or "you disrespect my school, I
kill you!"? Without these constant traits,
martial arts movies just wouldn't be martial
arts movies.
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But
even with all of these welcome recurrences,
one cannot deny the obvious monotony that
plagues much of the genre. Now let me
state, here and now, that I enjoy all
of the monotony that comes with watching
a kung fu film. Without these familiar
occurrences, it just wouldn't seem right,
it just wouldn't work. But as we all know,
a training sequence can only be taken
so far; it's just one of those hard facts
of life. This situation left the average
kung fu filmmaker with a hard question
to answer: Where does the genre go from
here, and what's next? Well, what came
next was certainly a step in the right
direction. Just look at it this way, when
you've exhausted all possibilities and
used up all available resources, what
can you do? The answer is obvious, exploit
the handicap. And that's just what martial
arts movies did. In fact, they exploited
almost every facet of the handicap world
that was available to them at one time
or another.
Just look at the history of gimp fu films.
It all basically started in 1967 with
the One Armed Swordsman and moved on to
more extreme handicaps, such as people
with no arms, no legs, blind people, retarded
people, and mutes, just to name a few.
The genre lasted a good twenty years and
produced some of the most entertaining
and memorable kung fu movies ever. Who
could forget Wang hop's masterful staff
twirling using only his flipper-baby arm,
or Ka Hai's spectacular legless stump
butts? And what about Jimmy Wang Yu's
endless reworking of the one-armed boxer/one-armed
swordsman routine. It just goes to show
that it never gets old if you're missing
a body part or two.
Now, for the casual gimp fu fan, it might
not seem like there is enough material
to warrant a lengthy discussion such as this, but I beg to differ. In fact,
there are probably more crippled kung fu movies
out there than any other martial arts
sub-genre, and rightfully so considering that they have provided some of
the most captivating images to ever come out of
Hong Kong. And surprisingly, this is
a distinct category of film that has never
been very well documented, in effect,
one might even say that it has been shunned and ignored, much like the
people who star in them. We cannot let this prejudice
continue, we must lend all of our support
and concern to these wonderful films that give the physically challenged
a platform to perform and show the world that they
can kick as much ass as a man with two
legs! I say it's time for a change, it's time to bask in the glory of the
reality of being a handicapped martial artist!
And maybe, just maybe, this article will
light the spark and operation "Stump Fu
Awareness" will finally begin. So let's
get right into our little overview, before
it's too late.
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Master
of the Flying Guillotine A.K.A.
One Armed Boxer 2 (1976) |
This is one of the all-time coolest martial
arts movies ever made. And that's not
just because it's got Jimmy Wang Yu reprising
his legendary role of the one-armed boxer.
It's also got Chia Yong as the blind master
of the flying guillotine who's out to
avenge the destruction of his school at
the hands of the infamous one-armed boxer.
So you see, this movie is so fucking good,
it's got a gimp versus a crip. What more
do you need? Well, it's also got plenty
o' heads getting chopped off by the incredible
guillotine device and a huge martial arts
tournament featuring a guy with giant,
long extendo arms! Certainly a required
chapter in the ongoing story of crippled
kung fu films. A must-see classic.
When you say crippled kung fu, people
listen. When you think crippled kung
fu, this is the first film that usually
comes to mind. It's the legendary, one
of a kind (except for the three other
movies with these actors) motion picture
that truly demonstrates what a crippled
martial artist can do. It stars the great
Wang Hop and the amazing Ka Hai as the
two cripples who form a strange bond
as a result of their mutual afflictions,
thanks to the power-mad warlord who gave
the orders to have them both crippled
for life. Wang Hop's arms are chopped
off because of his supposed disloyalty,
but we're not given the chance to see
what it is exactly that he does, since
the movie starts off with a close up
of his arm getting hacked off. Hardly
a threat now that he is considered useless,
he's then left to bleed in the hot sun.
Then, through a wicked twist of irony,
Ka Hai, as one of the warlord's henchmen,
who looked on laughing as Hop's arms
were severed, has his legs brutally disfigured
by a healthy dose of acid. He is pushed
down a hill and left for dead. That's
when the magic happens. Wang and Ka meet
again and eventually put their differences
aside in order to get the ultimate revenge
against the man responsible for the shape
they're in. And that revenge, as you
can imagine, is a violent and definite
death for the evil warlord.
This movie is a nonstop barrage of amazing
crippled kung fu techniques that climaxes
with the legless Ka Hai jumping on the
back of the armless Wang Hop, forming
the ultimate gimp fu, revenge-minded,
killing machine! If you only see one crippled
kung fu film, see this one, but if you
ask me, don't see only one; see them all!
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Two
Crippled Heroes (1983) |
"In the early republican years Peiyang
warlord committed killing and firing,
Hua Hsyung was one of sacrificers, he lost his hands at that time, he took his
monkey with him and wandered.
One
day he encountered a cripple-Tai Chiang,
they had become good friends.
At
mean time, town mayor sold munitions to
Peiyang warlord and this illegal business
was found by a servant-Ah Chun, they tried
to kill her but those two cripples saved
her, Peiyang warlord sent a killer again
to handle two cripples, unfortunately,
he was killed by them which brought town
the peace for years.
Meanwhile,
Ah Chun met her mother again (they
had lost in touch for ten years), these
two heroes went away..."
Now, I know that this film doesn't exactly
fit into the normal realm of crippled
kung film movies, considering that the
cripple who's doing the kung fu-ing is
not Asian and the film, as a whole, isn't
even a Kung Fu movie. But I feel like
it's not really fair to segregate the
cripple genre, there's room for everyone,
as long as they're practitioners of the
crippled martial arts, there shouldn't
be any problems. If your opinion differs,
see this film and watch it slowly sway
my way.
The story is pretty bad, in fact it borders
on unintelligible, but it doesn't really
matter as long as you've got the amazing Mr. No Legs in your movie. He
may be the most incredible crippled star to ever
grace the silver screen. Not only does
he possess some pretty hardcore fighting skills, his wheel chair is readily
equipped with 2 dual-barrel shotguns and throwing
stars! So it's pretty obvious you don't
fuck with Mr. No Legs. Now, let's look closely at the crucial scene, shall
we? Mr. No Legs is casually sitting by the
pool in his armored wheelchair, when
suddenly he's sneak attacked! He pulls a throwing
star from one of the rims on his wheel
chair and punctures the throat of the first ambusher. Then he flips around
in his wheelchair and gives another guy not
one, but two slow-mo stump butts to the
stomach! He then jumps out of his chair and begins striking with deadly
force, going into his intense gimp fu stance
and howling like a pint-sized Bruce Lee.
He chops and punches with lightning speed and he moves like a legless panther.
Then, two guys try to throw him into the pool,
but he uses his super body strength to
pull them in with him. He then strangles the men underwater and swims to
safety. All this without any fucking legs! What
a guy. All I can say is, see this movie. Buy it here!
And there it is, a brief and to-the-point
overview of crippled kung fu. And don't
forget, if you haven't seen much crippled
kung fu in your lifetime, you're the one
to blame. So get off your unafflected
ass and see some today.
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